DECEMBER 19, 1997 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
13
SPEAK OUT
Home for the holidays: How to keep everyone sane
by Janice Hughes
Special survival skills are needed on all sides when lesbians and gays reunite with their families and loved ones during the holidays, said Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG) president Nancy McDonald. Her group, with 70,000 members, supports families and friends of gays and lesbians, and helps strengthen the relationships gays have with their families.
"The holidays are stressful times," McDonald said. "College kids return home, families spend more time together. For many, this presents a chance to speak honestly about being gay, lesbian or bisexual. While some families may be accepting, others may struggle with their religious beliefs, and others may need to rethink how they see gays and lesbians."
But following a few simple tips can go a long way towards making holiday reunions a little bit warmer, McDonald said.
P-FLAG has put together two handy tip lists, one for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender folks, and the other for their parents and families.
For gay folks going home
1. Don't assume you know how somebody will react to news of your sexual orientation. You may be surprised.
2. Realize that your family's reaction to you may not be because you are gay. The hectic holiday pace may cause family members to act differently than they would under less stressful conditions.
3. Remember that coming out is a continuous process. You may have to come out many times.
4. Don't wait for your family's attitude to change to have a special holiday.
5. Recognize that your parents need time to acknowledge and accept that they have a gay child. It took you time to come to terms with your sexual orientation, now it is your family's turn.
6. Let your family's judgments be theirs to work on, as long as they are kind to you.
7. Create your own holiday gathering with friends and loved ones, if it is too difficult to be with your family.
Tips for before the visit
1. Make a decision about being out to each family member before you visit.
2. If you plan to make the visit together, discuss in advance with your partner how you will talk about your relationship, or show affection with one another.
3. Don't wait until late into the holiday evening to raise the issue of sleeping arrangements. If you bring your partner home, make plans ahead of time.
4. Have alternate plans if the situation becomes too difficult at home.
5. Find out about local gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender resources.
6. If you do plan to come out to your family over the holidays, have support available, including a P-FLAG publication and the phone number of a local P-FLAG chapter.
Tips for during the visit
1. Focus on common interests.
2. Reassure family members that you are still the same person they have always known.
3. Be sensitive to your partner's needs as well as your own.
4. Be wary of the possible desire to shock your family.
5. Remember to affirm yourself. 6. Realize that you don't need your family's approval to sustain an excellent relationship with your partner.
7. Connect with someone else who is gayby phone or in person who understands what you are going through and will affirm you along the way.
For friends and family
1. Set up support for yourself. It is important to realize you are not alone. Find the phone number of the nearest P-FLAG chapter.
2. Take your time. Acceptance may not come instantly, but be honest about your feelings.
3. Don't be nervous about using the "correct" language. Honesty and openness creates warmth, sincerity and a deeper bond in a relationship. If you are not sure what is appropriate, ask for help.
4. Realize that the situation may be as difficult and awkward for your gay loved one as it is for you.
Tips for before the visit
1. Practice in advance if you are going to be discussing your family member's sexual orientation with family and friends. If you are comfortable talking about it, your family and friends will probably be more comfortable too.
2. Anticipate potential problems, but do not assume the reactions will always be what you expected.
3. Consult with your gay loved one when
coordinating sleeping arrangements if he or she is bringing home a partner.
Tips for during the visit
1. Treat a gay person like you would treat anyone else in your family.
2. Take interest in your family member's life. He or she is still the same person.
3. Don't ask your gay family member to act a certain way. Let them be their natural selves.
4. Acknowledge your gay family member's partner as you would any other family member's partner.
5. Include your gay family member's partner in your family traditions.
6. Ask your gay family member about his or her partner if you know they have one.
7. Connect with someone (a friend or a spouse) with whom you can talk openly about your concerns or feelings.
Many of P-FLAG's 400 chapters nationwide will offer an outstretched hand to help families survive the holidays, with everything from telephone helplines to support group meetings. Contact any of the ten local chapters listed in the back of this paper, or P-FLAG's national office at 202-638-4200. Or, visit P-FLAG's web site at http://www. P-FLAG.org.
Oh, and don't forget to have a happy holiday!
Janice Hughes is media director of P-FLAG's national office. Other P-FLAG staffers contributed to this story, and some tips were excerpted from Mariana Caplan's book When Holidays are Hell! A Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings.
A new year's look into the lavender crystal ball
by Bob Roehr
The old lavender crystal ball doesn't have much to apologize for last year, mainly an optimism that some things would move a little faster than they did.
This fifth annual prognostication is an upbeat forecast, often pro-gay, not merely countering homophobia.
AIDS
This will not be the year for major breakthroughs in treatment of HIV and AIDS. The antivirals Sustiva and Previon should be approved by mid-year, and the experimental drugs 141 and ABT-378 should go into expanded access. They are not the next generation of therapy, but refinements of current approaches that will provide alternatives to people with AIDS who have “used up” existing treatment options.
At least as important will be the incremental accumulation of experience and clinical trials data using combination therapies, which will give a better understanding of how to manage use of these drugs. We will also see the first solid evidence of conditions under which preventative therapies may be stopped.
Waiting for the Clinton administration to lift the ban on federal funding of needle exchange is like waiting for Godot, only with more acts. This may lead some members of the Presidential Advisory Council on HIV/AIDS to resign in protest, probably in March. But their numbers will be too few to have real impact. Most members have convinced themselves that staying is more important.
The political noise will ratchet up a notch in February on Capitol Hill when Rep. Tom Coburn, R-Okla., holds hearings on a bill requiring that names be reported and sexual contacts traced of people who test positive for HIV.
Passage of his bill once seemed a sure thing, but two developments just may slow it down. One is a push for grounding any surveillance changes in scientific data. That research has yet to be done on names reporting. The other is opposition from Republican governors who
don't want the feds imposing unfunded requirements on their state health departments.
The Catch-22 for advocates opposed to names reporting is that current surveillance only counts AIDS cases, a declining number in light of new therapies. It's hard to get more money when the numbers you count are going down. Also, some in the AIDS establishment fear that an accurate profile of the epidemic could lead to resources being shifted away from their agencies.
Money to fund access to therapy will continue to be the big issue.
Discretionary spending on AIDS passed $1 billion in 1997. But under the new budget agreement, the pool of money for health and human services is virtually flat.
That means increases for HIV must come at the expense of other health spending.
Bill Clinton's recent jump on the tax cut bandwagon further dashes hopes for increased federal spending. The Republican Congress will continue to appropriate more than the president requests, but the well is running dry.
Vice President Al Gore pledged to expand access to care under Medicaid, but the numbers didn't work. A report due in February, funded by the Kaiser Foundation with research done at the University of California at San Francisco, will not convince them otherwise. Instead, the Clinton administration will focus on the high cost of AIDS drugs, trying to shift blame from their own unwillingness to spend more money. Meanwhile, people who could benefit from combination therapy will be denied access.
Politics
Dianne Feinstein, faced with the option of continued minority status on a Senate Foreign Relations Committee headed by Jesse Helms, or becoming queen bee of the Golden State, will run for governor of California, and win.
Republicans will pick up a couple of seats in the Senate. The three most vulnerable Democrats are women, Barbara Boxer (California), Patty Murray (Washington), and Carol Moseley-Braun (Illinois). At least one will lose. If Boxer survives, her Republican oppo-
nent, Matt Fong, will win the special election called to fill Feinstein's seat.
There is a slight chance that Democrats can regain the House, but don't bet on it. The party is dispirited and in debt. Republicans will gain a dozen or so seats. Despite rumbling of discontent, Newt Gingrich will be back as speaker, because no one else is capable of putting together a majority against him.
Three lesbians will make credible runs for House seats. One, Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin, will win and become the first openly lesbian member of Congress.
More than anything, the campaigns will prove the old adage that it is tough to beat an incumbent.
David Catania, the 29 year old newly-minted member of the Washington, D.C. city council, will become the poster boy of gay Republicans and also many a generation X-er. His presence down the street lobbying Congress on gay issues will cause some on the homophobic right to squirm and mute their rhetoric.
Capitol Hill
Jim Hormel will dangle in the wind. In the rush to adjourn, at least two and possibly five senators slapped a "hold,” that secret and arcane rule, on the gay philanthropist's nomination as ambassador to Luxembourg. It's difficult to tell when this will play out, but he will eventually be confirmed. Ironically, the pettiness of this action will help build support, both publicly and within the Senate, for votes on more substantive issues affecting the community.
ENDA, the lesbian and gay Employment Non-Discrimination Act, will pass the Senate, probably by 60-plus votes as a lot of Republicans decide to get on the right side of history. Those who switch will say that technical changes from the last version have addressed their concerns.
The House is more questionable. But come September the Republican leadership may come to see passage as inoculation against charges of being anti-gay, and wrap themselves in following the lead of more than twothirds of the Fortune 500. If it happens, it will be very quickly.
Appointments
Individual gays and lesbians fared well in the fall with several high-level appointments in the Clinton administration. It's less clear how that will benefit the community. Don't look for more in 1998, as most vacancies are filled.
Many key leadership positions in combating HIV remain vacant. Food and Drug Administration commissioner David Kessler announced his departure in late 1996 and physically left in February. No one has been named to succeed the promoted David Satcher as head of the Centers for Disease Control. And the Office of AIDS Research at NIH seems to be of such low priority that even the rumor mills are quiet. It likely will be at least six months before people are in place.
Courts
"Don't ask, don't tell" was declared unconstitutional in a federal courtroom in Brooklyn. An appeals panel will revisit the issue early in 1998 and by summer will concur. The full Second Circuit will decline a review, and perhaps by the end of the year the appeal will be on its way to the Supreme Court for a hearing in 1999.
Same-sex marriage will become official in Hawaii. Thus begins a multitude of challenges in state and federal courts to recognize those unions elsewhere.
Marriage cases already proceeding in Vermont and New York may well provide the first reaffirmation of the Hawaii ruling. The social context will be reinforced by several nations moving forward on both same-sex unions and domestic partners benefits.
In February the Supreme Court will decide to hear the Robin Shahar case from Georgia. By summer it will rule that her constitutional freedom of association was violated when state attorney general Michael Bowers withdrew his job offer in light of Shahar's same sex wedding within a Jewish a religious tradition.